9/5/13
Well, I was riding on a natural high after speaking with Dr. Cervantes the day before this visit. I was truly so excited about what Dr. Cervantes had to tell me. I think I was a little distracted with this though, and so I didn't prepare myself as well for this visit as I normally would have.
When Mom and I got to his office, it was the normal check-in process: wait, get vitals, go over history, and "strip down to the waist" and "put the paper top on". Then you just wait for the doctor to come in.
When he did make it in there, he greeted us, and he gave me my copy of "Dying to Have Known" documentary back. He mentioned that he did watch all 52 chapters of it. Wow. I then asked him how he liked it. He said something to the effect that it was fine, but he did think it was a bit anecdotal. Fair point. I then mentioned I should have given him Dr. Gerson's book. It was full of facts, studies, charts, and lots of boring information. (It is written by a scientist and man wanting to show his research, so this isn't bad. It just is more factual and less fluff.) He mentioned that boring is more to his liking if it shows the research. Got it.
He quickly moved on to the CT scan. Once again there was no spreading to any vital organs. The lymph nodes under the sternum seemed to have shrunk and be of normal shape and size. There were still lymph nodes in the left armpit area that seemed abnormal. Got it.
He then wanted to do a physical exam on me to see if he could feel any lymph nodes and check my surgical scars, etc. No problem. This is a normal thing from a doctor especially one that recently did surgery on me. He knew just where to look after seeing the scan and seeing the lymph nodes on it. He found the first one right in my armpit just under one of the scars I carried from the biopsy in March. He asked if I had noticed it feeling larger than normal, and I mentioned I could only feel just a tiny bit of scar tissue just below the scar. He wasn't so sure it was just scar tissue anymore though.
The next place he found something was sitting on top of my clavicle in the lateral 1/3. He had me feel it, but it was quite hard to feel anything. All the same, it made me feel sad that he could feel anything anywhere. No matter. I still had some great results and it was something to celebrate.
At this point he recommended that I find a radiation oncologist for a consult and recommended a biopsy of the lymph node in my axilla. He would also like for me to see another normal oncologist for that matter. He didn't feel like my current oncologist was serving me in any capacity, so maybe it would be good to see someone else.
I really didn't see the point of that since they are all trained the same. They know chemotherapy, and they know radiation. They really don't know any other alternatives to the conventional, so why see them? He then said he would like for me to see a certain one that didn't even see breast cancer cases anymore, but he could get me in.
I laughed inappropriately at this. I don't know why, but it seemed funny. He looked at me in a funny way, and said, "Really I can." I felt like he was coming from a place of true concern and care, so I felt a little silly. I was a little embarrassed at my outburst and a bit touched, but still not really interested at all.
At this point, Mom did pipe in with some good thoughts. Here it is in a nutshell. First, according to them, I was basically a stage IV (this came from my oncologist as a scare tactic on the last visit), and at this point all the treatment they could give me would just extend my life, not save it. (Just to set the record straight I am not stage IV. I am not symptomatic, and I have no pain, etc. I feel great.) So, why would I even consider doing chemo and radiation at this point? It would just make my quality of life miserable.
My surgeon replied that yes the above is basically true, but if I were to let the lymph nodes in my armpit grow out of control or spread to other regions, I could get a festering wound and infections. At that point my quality of life would be horrible anyways. Why would I let things get out of hand? Why not try to make things as bearable as possible?
I was a little freaked out at how they were talking. To be honest, I remember my oncologist saying something slightly similar at the last visit, but for some reason when I heard my mom say it and then the surgeon confirm it, my wonderful phone consult with Dr. Cervantes the day before didn't matter. My heart fell, and I felt scared for the first time since my original diagnosis back in March. It is a horrible feeling to be stuck in fear, and when you are in that place, you just feel helpless.
So, he asked me if I would be willing to go for a consult with the radiation oncologist and also with a new medical oncologist. From my place of fear I said okay. What can it hurt to consult with them? Talking doesn't hurt. He said he would get things set up for me. He also stated he would like to keep an eye on things, so he wanted me back in a month. I said that was fine, and he said he would arrange for me to see the other oncologists.
I broke down a little bit once he left, and I told Mom I was feeling a bit down. Why had I let this get me down? Why could he make me feel this way? I suppose it would be more appropriate to say why did I let what he said make me feel this way? That's when I realized that I hadn't protected myself and prepared myself to hear what he was going to say and find. I knew he would say and do these things, and I didn't mentally prepare myself.
Mom was great and she did her best to get me focused back on healing and not the fear that I felt, for she knows as well as I that to win you must put your attention on healing and being whole. If I focus on the fear, that is all I feel, and the fight is over. I know for me this battle is all about my attitude and the way I carry myself and on keeping the faith. It is about keeping the faith in God, Heavenly Father, Jesus, The Creator etc., but mostly it is about keeping the faith in myself. God gave me this battle so that I would show my true self. I am powerful. I am healed and whole and healthy. This is not a punishment but a gift. He is showing me that I am able to do anything. I am capable of everything. The impossible is possible.
Once Mom and I had a good talk, I let her go, and I headed on home. Before I got too far, I got a phone call to set up my radiation oncology appointment. That was fast. I guess he really can pull some strings. I set the appointment up for the next Tuesday. I figured this was enough time to find someone to come with me and arrange my work schedule. I got a phone call the next afternoon from the new medical oncologist. The soonest they could get me in was the 25th of September, so I took it.
Now, to bring myself back up and be confident and healthy again...
When he did make it in there, he greeted us, and he gave me my copy of "Dying to Have Known" documentary back. He mentioned that he did watch all 52 chapters of it. Wow. I then asked him how he liked it. He said something to the effect that it was fine, but he did think it was a bit anecdotal. Fair point. I then mentioned I should have given him Dr. Gerson's book. It was full of facts, studies, charts, and lots of boring information. (It is written by a scientist and man wanting to show his research, so this isn't bad. It just is more factual and less fluff.) He mentioned that boring is more to his liking if it shows the research. Got it.
He quickly moved on to the CT scan. Once again there was no spreading to any vital organs. The lymph nodes under the sternum seemed to have shrunk and be of normal shape and size. There were still lymph nodes in the left armpit area that seemed abnormal. Got it.
He then wanted to do a physical exam on me to see if he could feel any lymph nodes and check my surgical scars, etc. No problem. This is a normal thing from a doctor especially one that recently did surgery on me. He knew just where to look after seeing the scan and seeing the lymph nodes on it. He found the first one right in my armpit just under one of the scars I carried from the biopsy in March. He asked if I had noticed it feeling larger than normal, and I mentioned I could only feel just a tiny bit of scar tissue just below the scar. He wasn't so sure it was just scar tissue anymore though.
The next place he found something was sitting on top of my clavicle in the lateral 1/3. He had me feel it, but it was quite hard to feel anything. All the same, it made me feel sad that he could feel anything anywhere. No matter. I still had some great results and it was something to celebrate.
At this point he recommended that I find a radiation oncologist for a consult and recommended a biopsy of the lymph node in my axilla. He would also like for me to see another normal oncologist for that matter. He didn't feel like my current oncologist was serving me in any capacity, so maybe it would be good to see someone else.
I really didn't see the point of that since they are all trained the same. They know chemotherapy, and they know radiation. They really don't know any other alternatives to the conventional, so why see them? He then said he would like for me to see a certain one that didn't even see breast cancer cases anymore, but he could get me in.
I laughed inappropriately at this. I don't know why, but it seemed funny. He looked at me in a funny way, and said, "Really I can." I felt like he was coming from a place of true concern and care, so I felt a little silly. I was a little embarrassed at my outburst and a bit touched, but still not really interested at all.
At this point, Mom did pipe in with some good thoughts. Here it is in a nutshell. First, according to them, I was basically a stage IV (this came from my oncologist as a scare tactic on the last visit), and at this point all the treatment they could give me would just extend my life, not save it. (Just to set the record straight I am not stage IV. I am not symptomatic, and I have no pain, etc. I feel great.) So, why would I even consider doing chemo and radiation at this point? It would just make my quality of life miserable.
My surgeon replied that yes the above is basically true, but if I were to let the lymph nodes in my armpit grow out of control or spread to other regions, I could get a festering wound and infections. At that point my quality of life would be horrible anyways. Why would I let things get out of hand? Why not try to make things as bearable as possible?
I was a little freaked out at how they were talking. To be honest, I remember my oncologist saying something slightly similar at the last visit, but for some reason when I heard my mom say it and then the surgeon confirm it, my wonderful phone consult with Dr. Cervantes the day before didn't matter. My heart fell, and I felt scared for the first time since my original diagnosis back in March. It is a horrible feeling to be stuck in fear, and when you are in that place, you just feel helpless.
So, he asked me if I would be willing to go for a consult with the radiation oncologist and also with a new medical oncologist. From my place of fear I said okay. What can it hurt to consult with them? Talking doesn't hurt. He said he would get things set up for me. He also stated he would like to keep an eye on things, so he wanted me back in a month. I said that was fine, and he said he would arrange for me to see the other oncologists.
I broke down a little bit once he left, and I told Mom I was feeling a bit down. Why had I let this get me down? Why could he make me feel this way? I suppose it would be more appropriate to say why did I let what he said make me feel this way? That's when I realized that I hadn't protected myself and prepared myself to hear what he was going to say and find. I knew he would say and do these things, and I didn't mentally prepare myself.
Mom was great and she did her best to get me focused back on healing and not the fear that I felt, for she knows as well as I that to win you must put your attention on healing and being whole. If I focus on the fear, that is all I feel, and the fight is over. I know for me this battle is all about my attitude and the way I carry myself and on keeping the faith. It is about keeping the faith in God, Heavenly Father, Jesus, The Creator etc., but mostly it is about keeping the faith in myself. God gave me this battle so that I would show my true self. I am powerful. I am healed and whole and healthy. This is not a punishment but a gift. He is showing me that I am able to do anything. I am capable of everything. The impossible is possible.
Once Mom and I had a good talk, I let her go, and I headed on home. Before I got too far, I got a phone call to set up my radiation oncology appointment. That was fast. I guess he really can pull some strings. I set the appointment up for the next Tuesday. I figured this was enough time to find someone to come with me and arrange my work schedule. I got a phone call the next afternoon from the new medical oncologist. The soonest they could get me in was the 25th of September, so I took it.
Now, to bring myself back up and be confident and healthy again...
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