Some Odds and Ends

December 2013-February 2014

At the beginning of December, one of my friends asked me if I would like to do a 40 day Kundalini Yoga meditation challenge with her and a few of her other friends.  I had been resistant to meditation, but I also knew that it could be very healing.  I had dabbled in sporadic meditations, but nothing stuck.  I figured what would it hurt.  Little did I know that this was the one thing that would be the biggest help with my stress, anxiety, and at times depression.  

So what is Kundalini Yoga you ask?  Here is a definition I found directly from www.3ho.org.  They are a great source for everything Kundalini.

Kundalini Yoga is called the Yoga of Awareness. It is a dynamic, powerful tool that is designed to give you an experience of your soul.

In Kundalini Yoga we harness the mental, physical, and nervous energies of the body and put them under the domain of the will, which is the instrument of the soul. This technology precisely and consciously combines breath, mudra, eye-focus, mantra, body locks, and postures to balance the glandular system, strengthen the nervous system, expand lung capacity, and purifiy the blood. It brings balance to the body, mind, and soul.

"In Kundalini Yoga the most important thing is your experience. It goes right to your heart. No words can replace your experience. Your mind may accept the words or it may not, but your consciousness will not accept just words."  
-Yogi Bhajan, The Aquarian Teacher Training manual, p. 20

Kundalini Yoga is a yoga for householders, for people who have to cope with the daily challenges and stresses of holding jobs, raising families, and managing businesses. It is a path for everyone who wants the skills to cope successfully with the challenges of our times.

Kundalini Yoga was kept very secret until 1969 when Yogi Bhajan taught it openly in order to prepare humanity for the major changes that this planet is going through as we cross from the Piscean to the Aquarian Age. The ancient technology of Kundalini Yoga gives us the awareness and the fortitude to make this a smooth transition. The legacy of technical and spiritual knowledge that Yogi Bhajan studied and mastered in India is the gift he brought to the West.

"The kundalini experience does not mean you have gone into a deep breathless trance and are beyond this world. … It integrates you more fully with reality and gives you a broader vision and sensitivity so that you can act more efficiently."~Yogi Bhajan, from Kundalini Yoga: The Flow of Eternal Power, back cover

It was an online webinar and introduction to Kundalini Yoga, and it was perfect. I could do it when my schedule allowed it, and I would not have to leave home for a class.  It was to be a "Christ" centered class.  (Not that it mattered to me.  I figure with any meditation religion is of no matter.  From what I have experienced, most religions really seem to teach the same thing, which is wonderful.  We are so much more alike than we always thought!)  I do love Christ, so that was great!  He was an amazing teacher and an amazing example to us all!

I must just say this was the beginning of great things.  I was able to start a practice that I will never go without again, and it brought me a good support group.  The group that did this with me was so amazing and supportive and inspiring.  They have kept me going when things were rough.  what a gift for a girl that used to consider herself a loner and at times "unloveable".  (FYI-I no longer think these things, but if you would have asked me 2 years ago or even just one short year ago it would have been a different story.)

One other thing this did for me was help me to be a true participant in my monthly meditation classes.  I felt like I understood what meditation could do for a person now, and I felt how it had really changed my life and outlook on life for the better.  In a way it had brought me out of my shell.  

Beginning in late December, I began the vitamin C IV therapy and the UBI (ultraviolet blood irradiation).  They warned me that I may feel extra tired and worn down, but to tell you the truth I was already worn out.  If I did become more so, I didn't seem to notice.  Another thing about this was the positive, calm, and relaxing atmosphere I had to relax in while there.  The staff was wonderful and so supportive, and they were very encouraging to me and excited about my health choices.  It was very much like a break from everything.

Another big thing  going on at this time was my follow-up with my surgeon after the latest PET/CT. He repeated to me what he said over the phone.  He said the palpable mass did not show up on the PET/CT.  He did say the lymph nodes in the axilla showed up again, but they had shrunk in size.  He was very surprised that the mass he felt did not light up.  He did comment that he still believed it was cancerous.  He called it a chest wall mass rather than an axillary mass.  (The terminology here is very important to note here in a moment.)

After the review of the PET report, he wanted to do a manual inspection of the site and all other lymph nodes on my chest, clavicle, underarm, etc.  He was searching for more affected lymph nodes, and he wanted to check out the palpable mass for himself. This time around he made a comment that the mass was very mobile now and unattached to other tissue.  He said more mobile is very good as it is much easier to remove when unconnected to adjoining tissue.  He did not find any other lymph nodes or masses.  

One funny thing he mentioned was that he hated to say that my therapy was working.  Looking back now the way he said it almost makes me want to laugh.  Afterwards my mom even said, "Why would someone hate to tell us that.  You should be thrilled to tell someone that."  Well, I was and am thrilled to have heard that from him no matter how he said it.  I am just so thrilled that I have come this far and am seeing great things happen.  

At this point he was very excited to remove my small mass.  I told him I was not sure.  I thought that perhaps we should let it shrink more.  He asked me to get back to him by the end of the week to let him know.  He also wanted me to let him know if I thought I even needed to be followed so closely if I chose not to have it removed.  I said that is a good point.  I felt that really the only reason to see him is if he was to surgically remove something from me.  I told him I would get back to him.  

As I was getting dressed  to leave, he popped his head in the room one last time.  He said he just went over the report and images again, and he had made a mistake.  He said the mass was in fact picked up on the scan.  He was confused because the radiologist called the lymph nodes axillary nodes, and he considered them more chest wall nodes.  This made so much more sense.  To have a strange palpable mass that was not active cancer and then lymph nodes in the same area that were cancerous just seemed strange.  So now I just have shrinking lymph nodes in my arm pit/chest wall area.  Yay!

Around this same time, I had turned my three week notice in at work.  I had finally convinced myself and given myself permission to take the time off that I so badly needed.  My last day of work would be February 21, 2013.  I had much to look forward to, and I was already starting to feel more energized and invigorated. 

P.S.  I told the surgeon I was not ready to have the lymph nodes removed yet.  I would wait until they shrunk much more and were much more mobile as he put it.  I would call him when I was ready.  This just felt so freeing to be disconnect from that constant negativity.